original lament

Oh God who made the universe and crocheted DNA,

why did You fashion these moulds of mud to still long for another?

My Lord and my Commander, whose orders direct my lifeline,

will these ever include the duties of a wife and maybe even a mother?

Have you forgotten me?

I wake to see toddlers carried off to day-care on the sidewalk below my window.

I drink my tea at ten when the spring grass swarms under blankets and strollers.

I hear schoolyard stories retold to parents rushing past my front door in time for lunch.

I smell aftershave in the empty elevator after sunset as the temperatures pick up.

You know I desire to please You, yet fused to my core―remains this taste of emptiness.

Selfish sustainability drowns out the screams of bath and bed time rituals next door.

Christianized contentment justify my loneliness, cementing my heart in cynical self-denial.

Blind beliefs that You delight in this type of suffering feeds my pride, nurtures contempt.

Faking faith in Your provision when the last of my friends flaunts that dreaded ring.

I remember your Words―a high calling indeed.

They joke about saving the costs of the first wedding and later divorce settlements.

They preach about Your community in becoming one flesh and the joys of matrimony.

They patronize my nomadic life for Your sake, preventing him from catching me.

They hurt me with words and judging looks when I choose Your bearing across the sea.

Have You just been keeping me from the wrong choices, I came so close to making?

O Father of my fledgling offspring and Lover of my forgotten continent,

why must I struggle in a foreign land without one human that knows my language?

You who turned nothing into paradise and brought life from death,

why do You hear all my prayers except this one?

But You do hear it! You have filled my heart with a fullness of just loving You alone.

You have wedded me to Your faithful work and divorced me from my past mistakes.

You have surrounded me with caring friends and shown me the unity of Your body.

You have protected me through countless adventures snatching me from harmful men.

You have rocked me in Your arms, cradled by day and by night on boats and planes and trains.

I will look into Your eyes one day and tell all the world that You made me choose wisely.